Why Living in an Apartment Sucks

I live in a college town. Not surprisingly there are plenty of apartment complexes spread around for students who don't want to live on campus. While living in an apartment is much better than a dorm for reasons like no "community leaders" checking in on you at the worst possible times, there are a few problems that come with off campus group living:

1. Elephants, etc.
In my first year of college and my only year in a dorm I lived on the top floor of my building so I never had to experience the sound of a stampede above my head at 3 in the morning. However, now I'm on the bottom floor of my apartment complex and several times a day I feel like I'm in Africa again being chased by an elephant chased by a rhino chased by a hippo.

                                                         anankkml

 "I just want a hug!"

Of course, these aren't the sounds of an African stampede, it's the sound of a group of lead-footed drunks stumbling their way through their apartment trying not to throw up before they reach the bathroom.

2. IP Addresses

One of the selling points of my complex what that it has the fastest internet in town, which is true. What they didn't advertise is that not only does each dormmate share the same IP address, but each building shares one. That means that the hypersexed perv above me who showed his cock on ChatRoulette got me and the rest of the building banned.

Well ok, I can live without ChatRoulette, but I still have to be careful. I'm linked in a way I don't want to be with dozens of 20-somethings doing pseudo legal internet surfing. It's only a matter of time before the party van shows up.

                                                                                            photostock

And not this kind of party. 

3. Sex

I'm sure that somewhere out there an apartment building exists that has walls that are more than a couple of inches thick. Also I'm sure that somewhere out there an apartment building exists that has sound proofing better than mine, but where I'm staying, everyone can hear everything. Everything. Especially sex.

Anyone who doesn't have the courtesy to blast their television or stereo while they're making bang bang in the boom boom gives everyone else first row tickets to the sounds of your love making.

                                                                                 Jeroen van Oostrom

Uh oh, Keith didn't pull out.

So be careful everyone. I don't want to hear your feet, your sex, your arrest, or anything else. I just want to live in my apartment, go to ChatRoulette if I want to, and wait until I can find my own damn house.

Evolution of Class Motivation

Motivation is extremely important to completing a college course with a good grade and actual knowledge of the material. Unfortunately, for many of us, that motivation is not constant throughout the 15 week semester. Here's a look at how my class ambition fluctuates throughout the semester:

Day 1
Alright! Here we go! First day of Holy Crap this Shit is Gonna Be Hard 101. I can do this. I have my book, an organized binder with lots of paper and I know that what I learn in this class is the foundation for every class I take after this. I'm going to need to review my notes after every class, make flash cards, and ask lots of questions. Bring it on Professor Arrogant.

Week 2
It's ok. I haven't studied at all yet but I'm not that far behind. I have no idea what the hell the professor is talking about but I have time before the first test. Triple integrals? It's just three times the thing between the funny symbol and dx? Right? RIGHT?

Day Before the First Test
FFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK! Ok, for real this time. Time to get down and study. I'll do it all night if I have to. Force equals mass times acceleration. Got it. Let's try practice problem 1. Tittle Shits! I can't ask the professor about this now, I was supposed to do this the first week! And Omar, the 11 year old genius who skipped high school isn't any help either.

You're fuckin' fucked.

Day Before Last Test

Alright, alright. I got one bad grade on that first one, but I straightened out a bit and I've been studying fairly consistently. Kinda. Not really. But at least I understand this stuff a little better and I've been getting higher grades. I just need to do good on this and the final exam and I'm all set. Let me just review my notes.

Jesus

A Few Days After the Final Exam

I hope I passed. I hope I passed. I hope I passed. I hope I passed. I hope I passed. I hope I passed.  

I PASSED! I'M A GENIUS! Everyone in that class was struggling so hard. Pshh... It was easy for me. 

 

 Image Credits
Arvind Balaraman 
nuttakit 

I Dun Goofed

Curse you internet! So I looked a little deeper into the judgement day blog I've been referencing. The last sentence of the About section says "I don’t actually believe any of this, but sure have had some fun pulling your chain."

Well played, my trolling friend. You earn two internets.

I would use the rest of this post to display quotes and images from Harold Camping's real site, but I've given this guy enough attention.

So instead some good, clean, obnoxious Ventrilo harassment. Quick description if you're unfamiliar: Vent is a way for people to speak in group settings through the internet. It's usually used with online games like World of Warcraft. This guy has a few previously recorded sounds (including those of "Lindsey") and goes to town with a group of guys on vent. Enjoy.

Judgement Day Blog Issues Apology

So, as I'm sure you're all aware, the rapture has come and gone. All who were true followers of Christ have ascended into Heaven. If you're reading this you, like me, are doomed to total annihilation after 5 months of increasing signs that Jesus is currently ruler of the earth.

Well, not really. The judgement day blog has issued an apology post. And amazingly, it's not an apology for a bullshit prediction. It's sorry you weren't raptured! Harold Camping and his minions are sticking to their guns on this one and professing that the rapture did indeed occur complete with mass disappearings and earthquakes. And don't worry, total destruction of the Earth is still scheduled for October 21 of this year.

This whole thing annoys the crap out of me. For one, the blog claims that "millions were saved that went unnoticed."

Well I challenge anybody to make millions of people disappear and not have one employer, family member, prison guard, or journalist say, "Hey, wait a minute..."

Additionally, cut the shit with the t-shirt! The apology post alone has several advertisements, links, and references to it including: "it's a great conversation starter"; "it matches almost anything in your closet"; and of course "they're on sale for a limited time".

We all know Harold Camping is a douchebag, and fortunately the vast majority of Christians and the non-religious alike don't buy into his crap, but it would make me feel a little better to know that at least he buys into what he's preaching. However, that's hard for me to believe when a post about something so monumental and significant (if true) can be riddled with such shameless cons for money.

What he's doing is truly disgusting, and the fact that he's going to try to milk this for another 5 months is insane. Especially when all he has going for him is a coincidental volcanic eruption and accompanying seismic activity in Iceland.

 Wait. What?

So here's to Harold Camping, the world's greatest troll. And here's to current society, where someone as batpoo crazy as this guy can get global attention and support, while causing a random college kid to spend too long writing about it. I'm going back to my video games.

3 Unfortunate Truths of the Internet

The internet has fundamentally changed the world's communication, commerce, and culture. Without it, the current world would be so different that we probably wouldn't recognize it; credit cards wouldn't exist as we know them, memes would spread through print media, and communication would return to a snail's pace. But with the good comes the bad. Here are some unfavorable side-effects of the internet on our lives:

1. Procrastination is Easier than Ever
How many of you are putting off something right now? Probably a lot. It's easy to see why, the world wide interweb is full of all sorts of time-consuming goodies: blogs, comics, the youtubes, and of course porn (procrasterbation). If there is a task to be done a large number of us will start it, go strong for a few minutes, then open our Facebook page, check our email, or see what we can find on ChatRoulette.

               Salvatore Vuono

Before it finds you.

Before the internet, our procrastination options were limited. Reading, cleaning, going outside, and generally more beneficial activities were used to put off our to-do list. Now, the opportunities for dawdling are virtually endless. We can always find something else to do, and 9 times out of 10 it involves a computer.

2. The Internet Never Forgets

Ask the Star Wars kid if the internet forgets. He'll say no. His geektacular video was posted against his will when some of his peers found this video. Because of the resulting bullying and harassment he switched schools and sued those responsible for posting it. And now it's on YouTube forever so we can laugh at his tubby, tubby self pretending to wield a dual lightsaber.

amidoinitrite?

  
But this is something we all have to be aware of. Just about everything we post, say, and do on the web can be recalled, or saved and broadcast elsewhere should someone choose to do so. And that sucks.

 3. Rage
What if I said that all religions are retarded? Or that God hates fags? Or that I wish you were aborted? Or that puppy death is amusing? Would you get mad? Maybe. I'm sure most of us have our own buttons that, when pushed, will send send us into a fit of rage so vicious that what's left of our internal humanity is eclipsed by the ensuing onslaught of profanity, small dick insults, and declarations that your entire country is full of idiots. But who cares? Who cares if I say your dick is small, or that you'll never be the man your mother was, or anything else? Apparently a lot of us. I see trolling at its finest get people so riled up that I'm ashamed to call myself human. Who cares what someone on the other end of the internet thinks? He's on the internet, he's probably just another small dicked, unfit, pale, greedy bastard like you.

It's there. And I see it.

Moral of the story: finish the stuff you need to, be careful what you say and do, and calm the hell down. Let's have fun with the internet.

How College Prepares You For Kids

I'm not a parent, but I am in college. And it seems to me that some of the skills I'm learning are unintentionally preparing me for kids. Here's what I mean:

1. Vomit
This one should be obvious. There's vomit in college. Lots of it. Everywhere. And who's gotta clean it up? You. Me. All of us. And I gotta tell you, before college, I never had to clean it up. It was always my parents. And how did they learn this craft? By cleaning up their own and others' upchuck every weekend after a night of spending all their cash on booze only to wind up in bed the next morning wishing they had been killed on the way home.

For my children.

So now, when my kids get sick, drink too much, or get body weight issues, I'll know how to get the stains out of the carpet, remove the smell, and console my bud who's currently heaving himself to sixpack abs.

2. Cheap Food
How much money do I have a week to spend on food? None. Almost none. And there's no better way to kick start your survival skills like the knowledge that you have a limited timeframe to fuel you body before it eats up your remaining fat leaving you the nickname Scrawny McTwigerthin. So, when cash is scarce, buy cheap food.

 

Or gamble

Fast forward a few years. I'm out of college, working 9 to 5 making cash. I meet a nice girl and BAM- kids. How did this happen? No idea, I never had the sex talk. Now I have 4 mouths to feed and no cash to do it with. Now what the hell do I do? Call on my vast knowledge of cheap meals, that's what.
My favorite example? Fajitas. Tortilla, green pepper, onion, meat, and throw out ingredients as budget decreases. I make these delicious hunks of culinary art several times a week because it's the best cheap thing I know how to make. And I'm prepared to use this knowledge on my future family.

3. Dicks
Not penises, wangs, or dongs, but assholes, douches, and cunts. Universities are crawling with them. Arrogant, self-entitled wankboxes who expect you to cater to their overflowing awesomeness.

 Pictured: Awesome

You learn pretty quickly that it's impossible to avoid these people. You walk near them on the way to class, you get paired with them on a project, or even become forced to be roommates. So you deal with them. And hope that once you graduate you'll never have to deal with people like this again.
Until you have kids.

Children- the epitome of self-centered, arrogant cuntbananas. They expect, and demand, that you pamper them to their satisfaction. And guess what? You have to. They're your freakin' kids.

So when you start college, or if you've already been there, done that, know that sometimes the lessons are outside of class, and they aren't always the nicest instructions you'll receive.

Images in order of appearance credited to:

Andy Newson

jscreationzs

photostock

End of the World

So as I'm sure most of you have heard, Saturday May 21, the day after tomorrow, is going to be the Rapture, the beginning of the end of the world, and the day Jesus begins his rule over everything. You can read all about it here. I think that the end will look and sound something like this:

Of course I, being the agnostic that I am, feel this is a load of bull, yet somehow thousands of people are buying into this and facilitating the mass advertisement of Harold Camping's prediction that May 21st is the rapture and 5 months later will be the destruction of Earth and all of those left behind.

 

 

And what a great 5 months those will be.

Not to mention that Harold Camping had previously predicted the Rapture for September 1994 in a book which Amazon still sells. Speaking of selling, the judgement day blog challenges all who question the prediction to buy this:

Yours for only $20.40. Seriously.

So, my fellow readers, what do you make of all this? Do any of you seriously believe that any of this is true? Anyone worried? Think this is just a publicity stunt for Harold Camping and his radio network? Are posts like these exactly what he wants?