Friday, May 20, 2011

How College Prepares You For Kids

I'm not a parent, but I am in college. And it seems to me that some of the skills I'm learning are unintentionally preparing me for kids. Here's what I mean:

1. Vomit
This one should be obvious. There's vomit in college. Lots of it. Everywhere. And who's gotta clean it up? You. Me. All of us. And I gotta tell you, before college, I never had to clean it up. It was always my parents. And how did they learn this craft? By cleaning up their own and others' upchuck every weekend after a night of spending all their cash on booze only to wind up in bed the next morning wishing they had been killed on the way home.
For my children.

So now, when my kids get sick, drink too much, or get body weight issues, I'll know how to get the stains out of the carpet, remove the smell, and console my bud who's currently heaving himself to sixpack abs.

2. Cheap Food
How much money do I have a week to spend on food? None. Almost none. And there's no better way to kick start your survival skills like the knowledge that you have a limited timeframe to fuel you body before it eats up your remaining fat leaving you the nickname Scrawny McTwigerthin. So, when cash is scarce, buy cheap food.

 
Or gamble

Fast forward a few years. I'm out of college, working 9 to 5 making cash. I meet a nice girl and BAM- kids. How did this happen? No idea, I never had the sex talk. Now I have 4 mouths to feed and no cash to do it with. Now what the hell do I do? Call on my vast knowledge of cheap meals, that's what.
My favorite example? Fajitas. Tortilla, green pepper, onion, meat, and throw out ingredients as budget decreases. I make these delicious hunks of culinary art several times a week because it's the best cheap thing I know how to make. And I'm prepared to use this knowledge on my future family.
3. Dicks
Not penises, wangs, or dongs, but assholes, douches, and cunts. Universities are crawling with them. Arrogant, self-entitled wankboxes who expect you to cater to their overflowing awesomeness.

 Pictured: Awesome

You learn pretty quickly that it's impossible to avoid these people. You walk near them on the way to class, you get paired with them on a project, or even become forced to be roommates. So you deal with them. And hope that once you graduate you'll never have to deal with people like this again.
Until you have kids.
Children- the epitome of self-centered, arrogant cuntbananas. They expect, and demand, that you pamper them to their satisfaction. And guess what? You have to. They're your freakin' kids.

So when you start college, or if you've already been there, done that, know that sometimes the lessons are outside of class, and they aren't always the nicest instructions you'll receive.

Images in order of appearance credited to:

39 comments:

  1. yeah that's basically what I learned in college. life lessons to never taught in school.

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  2. I'm in college myself. I hate those kind of people.

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  3. Haha this is so true, I've never thought about it in that way before!

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  4. not just college all of your life you're learning how to be a parent. thats what being a parent is all about, teaching your kids what youve learned throughout your life. pretty simple when you think about it, the only hard part really is finding the time to do everything and the financial means to support them

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  5. I never clean up my own vomit, I'm always the one who is sick. It's not my fault, I just don't know how to clean it up properly.

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  6. Suddenly I don't look forward to going to uni anymore. Thanks. xD

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  7. Haha, Not sure if ramen is the best nutrition for a college student or a kid--who what do I know, I just ate some =D

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  8. Men need to start showing dick clevage.

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  9. Gambling (poker) was exactly how I managed not to starve in college.

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  10. College....what a fucking waste...

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  11. haha, so familiar I can relate to the cheap food especially, its truly a skill to be able to make good food for little cash.
    I never had to clean other people's vomit though...

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  12. That is so true of my college days. I've had couple of crazy drunken college nights filled with memory lapses and lots of vomit.

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  13. Haha sums up college life pretty simply very funny blog

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  14. I had that kind of prep in our equivalent of your High School

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  15. Well said. I just finished my first year of college, agree 100% percent

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  16. haha pretty good post
    daily meal, jack in the box tacos : /

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  17. Haha college is an experience in itself, prepares you for lifes battles.

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  18. Definitely highlights similarities between college and having children, I'd never thought of it this way.

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  19. Great advice for me, I go to college next year!

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  20. Uh. That was my school life, literally.

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  21. hahahaha i know the vomit point alll too well, and dicks are like little drunks aka bitchesss :(

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  22. I thought I was free of self-entitled douchebags when I left high-school, but it just got worse. Oh well... the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

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  23. Cuntbanana is now one of my new favorite words.

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